Toys? I don't need no stinkin' toys!

Well, after spending approximately $187,526 on diversions for the little man and lugging home suitcases full of crap from well-intentioned relatives, I have too late made a very crucial discovery: babies don't like toys.

Although the good folks at Fisher-Price and (shudder) Leapfrog would have us believe otherwise, experience tells a far different story. As of today, here are my nine-month-old's favorite diversions:

* A plastic Thai food take-out container
* One of my wife's $1.99 flip-flops
* An empty Calistoga water bottle
* A bowl scraper
* An orange Lucite napkin ring

Toys, not so much. Which I can understand. Leapfrog: possible motto "We HATE parents!" Seriously guys, WTF? The blinding colors, the shrill vocals, wretched songs, eardrum-shattering volume... just stop.

So word to the wise. Skip Toys R' Us and hit the Tupperware drawer. You're baby will love you for it.